When workplace tension rises, many leaders duck, dodge, or deflect. But Marlene Chism, author of From Conflict to Courage, says it’s not the disagreement that wrecks relationships—it’s the disrespect that often follows. Her central message? Conflict isn’t the problem. Mismanaging it is.
Chism defines conflict as “opposing drives, desires, and demands.” That framing shifts it from a threat to an opportunity for curiosity. When leaders get curious instead of combative, they access what she calls their “executive function”: the part of the brain that leads with logic instead of reacting from emotion.
Discomfort Brings Growth
Many leaders avoid conflict because it feels uncomfortable. But Chism insists that emotional discomfort is part of leadership growth. In her view, aggressive behavior can be a mask for avoiding vulnerability. “Aggression is a form of avoidance,” she explains. “You’re avoiding intimacy. You’re avoiding being wrong.”
Her advice? Notice the discomfort. Don’t suppress it or lash out. Sit with it, breathe through it, and stay in the conversation. That shift builds what she calls “conflict capacity”: the ability to stay present, regulate your emotions, and engage productively.
Conversations That Should Have Happened
Chism says major workplace blowups often trace back to one root cause: a conversation that never happened. She sees a recurring pattern in organizations: leaders avoid direct conversations, escalate issues up or down the chain, and eventually implement a reorganization to sidestep the conflict.
She likens this to “clipping the bloom off a dandelion and thinking the weed is gone.” The root problem stays alive, just relocated.
Appeasement and Avoidance: Hidden Costs
Avoidance is easy to spot. Appeasement is sneakier. Leaders who appease may think they’re being nice or supportive. But they’re still avoiding tough truths. Chism offers an example: an employee suggests an idea. Instead of giving honest feedback, the leader says, “Great idea, maybe next meeting,” and then forgets about it.
That, she says, undermines trust and motivation. Instead, leaders should explain why the idea won’t work right now and encourage the employee to keep bringing ideas. This way, leaders maintain honesty without discouraging innovation.
Change Resistance Isn’t What You Think
Chism challenges the belief that people resist change. Instead, she says, they resist lack of autonomy and uncertainty. By increasing clarity and giving people more choice, leaders can reduce drama during change initiatives.
The Four Quadrants of Change
1. Wanted and expected
2. Wanted but not expected
3. Not wanted and not expected
4. Not wanted but expected
Each quadrant comes with its own emotional challenges. Leaders who recognize this can tailor their communication accordingly.
Trust Is Built Through Congruence
For Chism, trust isn’t just about competence. It’s also about character. “If out of your mouth comes one thing, but your behavior says something else, your team won’t feel safe,” she explains.
Chism speaks from experience. She worked on a factory floor for over two decades. She’s seen how front-line employees, when disengaged or disrespected, can quietly sabotage productivity. Conversely, when they feel seen and respected, their commitment and contributions increase.
Clarity Over Certainty
In both personal and professional decisions, Chism draws a sharp line between clarity and certainty. “Clarity is a feeling of peace,” she says. It’s not about being 100% sure. It’s about understanding what matters most, what your boundaries are, and what you’re willing to accept or not.
She gives a personal example from a family holiday, where she had to choose between inviting everyone or playing emotional politics to keep the peace. She chose clarity, invited everyone, and let others decide for themselves. That moment shaped how she views leadership decisions, too.
Ask “Would You Be Willing…”
Chism emphasizes the power of the question: “Would you be willing…”
This approach works in leadership conversations, especially with employees who seem resistant. It flips the dynamic. Instead of pushing, it invites. If the leader isn’t willing to re-engage, they might be resisting too. “The willingness is the fulcrum point of change,” she says.
Practice First, Then Perform
Too many leaders wing it in hard conversations. Chism says that’s a mistake. She teaches a structured method that includes identifying the situation, outcome, and obstacle—then setting a clear intention.
“The one with clarity navigates the ship,” she explains. Preparation reduces the chance of getting emotionally hijacked. With practice, this clarity becomes second nature.
Summary
Marlene Chism’s insights provide leaders with practical tools to transform workplace tension into growth. Her key message: conflict, handled properly, can sharpen leadership and strengthen teams. Leaders should focus on building “conflict capacity,” learning to manage emotional discomfort, and engaging with clarity and curiosity. Avoidance, appeasement, and aggression often create more problems than they solve. Through preparation, honest dialogue, and a willingness to stay in difficult conversations, leaders can build trust, reduce resistance, and foster a culture of responsibility and respect.